Just Breathe....

Many friends and family have been urging me to get back to blogging. Not that I was ever really regular about posting. But a lot has been going on. Easy and hard. Happy and sad. Smooth and rough. Rather than get into the details I'll continue with some pictures my husband and I took at the beach last week. With these pictures I will share some of the revelations and inspirations I received from that day at the beach.

UP A STREAM WITH JUST ONE PADDLE

I know, the old saying is, "up a stream without a paddle" but that doesn't really pertain to me.

I have a paddle.

That paddle is my support system. My friends and my families - both Norwegian and American.

The paddle I'm missing - the one whose loss is making me paddle in circles - is the one I am supposed to give myself.

I've lost a lot of self-confidence in the last two years I've lived here. I forget what it is to say, "Yep, I've got this." That just doesn't happen anymore. I'm really good at faking it - not only to myself but to the world as well. I can't look in the mirror anymore. I don't see me. When I see pictures of myself I look lost. This paddling in circles is making me not only look tired but feel exhausted.


Once I find my paddle I'll find my way back to me.

YOU CAN'T PLANT ROOTS IN SAND - But you can try...

Since moving to Norway I've been searching for a place to plant my roots. That has proven very difficult because we do still rent our house. It's not really ours no matter how much work I do on it. It never will be. And that's okay. But for the longest time I was grasping to the handful of sand made up of hopes for our future.

Each grain of hope - building our own house, starting a family, finding a place in the community - have been slipping through my fingers lately. I keep trying to hold onto them. I keep trying to push them back into my palm and hold on tight.

But they haven't really been lost. I know that now. You can't hold onto so many grains of hope without some slipping through your fingers. That's why you find that bucket. That's what the "bucket list" really means.

It's that place where you put all your grains of hope - to free up your hands in order to grasp the here and now.

TEARS ONLY FLOOD YOUR PATH

I've cried a lot lately. A lot.

But only crying, well, that's not going to get you anywhere. It only floods the path you're supposed to be on. There's this funny thing that happens when you look at a fish in water. You don't really see them, just their reflection. The water distorts their actual location. The same thing happens with your feet on a flooded path - they look disconnected from yourself. How can you walk without stumbling when you can't see where your feet actually land?

Crying and learning from it. Crying and looking into yourself. That's where the tears are beneficial.

I'm not saying that crying is bad. It's really truly needed sometimes. To wash the film of sadness or sorrow from your eyes in order to see anew.

COWS AT THE BEACH

Just to break up the seriousness of this post with a a little smile!

Those are some lucky cows!

LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK'S BACK

Oy vey. This one is really hard for me to express. 

When you move to another country you get advice and encouragements from all aspects of your life. They mean well. I really believe they mean well. After two years of hearing the same sentences (sometimes word-for-word) they get more difficult to hear. After two years of being asked about when you're going to find a job or why haven't you found a job yet, or when you're going to start a family, why don't you have this or why don't you do that?.....etc....

No, I can't just let what people are saying or asking roll like water off a duck's back. 

I don't have an answer. All I can say is that I have been trying my hardest to, well, do anything they are asking or advising or encouraging. 

I don't mean to say that I don't appreciate people trying to help. I don't want to discourage people from reaching out or asking me questions. I just want them to know that sometimes I just don't have an answer and I'm more frustrated with myself and the situation than I am with them for asking about it. 

It's not always the positive that is hard to deal with. That's actually the easy part. The negative is like a knife in the stomach. When people talk about me when I'm standing right there and they don't think I understand Norwegian, that hurts. In grocery stores, in the waiting room at the doctor, at the pier when I'm at work. That rolls off my back like a granite boulder. 

But then I have to remind myself why water rolls off a duck's back. It's not only the natural oils on a duck's feathers but there is a delicate structure, feather by feather. Those feathers are constructed of toothy hairs. It's those toothy hairs of positive reinforcement I gather from those around me - no matter how difficult they are to hear at the time - that bind together to create my "feathers" - that create my shield.

Those feathers of positive reinforcement are what help those negative moments to roll off my back and protect me. 

So, please, don't stop asking me the hard questions. Don't stop giving me advice. It may sting a little bit when you do but please know that you're only making me stronger.

THE WEAKEST RUSTY LINK

I feel like everyone in our lives creates a sort of chain. Whether each link knows each other or not, we create this chain of people around us. It's there to grab onto when we're drifting away from our path. It's there to give us strength in difficult moments. The chain can grow. The chain can become shorter.


But we are our own weakest link.

If we don't maintain that chain. If we don't "grease" it with outings, phone calls, text messages, emails or even the simplest smile while passing on the street, those connections can rust and eventually break. I have been finding it very hard to remain emotionally connected with friends back in the States. At absolutely no fault of their own. I take full responsibility. It all stems from my own insecurities.

I've convinced myself that those I "left behind" think exactly that....I've left them behind. I've abandoned them. I promise I did no such thing. I've had to remind myself that wasn't the case. Yes, it is true, that moving abroad can filter out those relationships that were built out of only convenience but it also highlights those relationships that are steadfast and strong. Those links that are strong enough to anchor you.

I know I've drifted out to sea from some of you. I hope you are still holding on to your end of the chain because I'd love to come back to you. Lets polish off our link and make faces in our reflections on the shiny curved surface.

COWS AT THE BEACH AGAIN!

Take a break to smile!

A DOOR LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE OPENS FOR NO ONE

Oh boy, I'm opening a can of worms with this one. This past New Years I made a resolution. It's, quite honestly, the first resolution I've ever kept for more than a month (you know, just staying on trend with statistics!). My resolution was to say yes to Norwegians.

Yep, that's what I said. Unless time doesn't allow, safety is an issue, transportation is a problem or, most importantly, I can't give my fullest to the endeavor, I say yes to when Norwegians ask me to do something.

Why? Well, last December I went to visit my family in the States for Christmas. I did a lot of thinking while en route to Missouri. Why was I still feeling so disconnected to my community in Norway? Why had I not found my roll in the community? Why wasn't I participating in what was going on in the neighborhood? Why was I only finding out what was going on after it happened?

Because I wasn't putting myself out there enough. There are various reasons excuses why that wasn't happening but I decided to step up to the plate and participate every possible chance. This has led to me volunteering at ski events, getting small jobs here and there, meeting my neighbors, participating in community events and making connections and relationships that could lead to even more exciting opportunities.

I had been waiting for a door of possibilities to open for me - I finally opened it myself.

THIS SHIP HAS FINALLY SAILED....HOME

I am a tour guide again this summer. A couple of weeks ago I was chatting with a lady while hiking up to see the glacier arm at Briksdal. She asked me where I was from. I get asked this a lot so the easiest thing to say is, "The last place I lived was near Washington DC." It's a recognizable landmark so doesn't require too much follow-up. Well, she persisted and wanted me to list every city I've lived in....so I did. Her response shocked me.

"You lived in a lot of different places in a lot of different houses. I think you were looking for your home...I think you found it."

Woah. That's deep, lady! She had known me for maybe just over one hour and she had dug so deep.

I think she was right.





FINDING THE JOY

Esma doing her "dance" command.

So, this has been a pretty raw post. But I think it will give some insight into what I've been going through these past few months. I haven't been blogging as much as I had wanted to because I wasn't sure how to process all the feels.

Last week I was dealing with a huge loss. It rocked me to my core. So when I asked Svein Arild to take me to the beach he jumped at the chance. We grabbed our Biolite to grill some lunch, brought some knitting and crosswords (in bokmål Norwegian, I'll have you know) hopped in the car and drove out to our favorite beach in Hoddevik.

Svein Arild insisted that I just go for a walk by myself. I took the camera and a bag to gather beach treasures and walked. I walked in the cold water from the North Sea and smushed my toes in the sand. But most importantly, I BREATHED. I hadn't realized just how much I had been holding my breath. All day I kept taking deep breaths, feeling my shoulders relax, feeling my chest open up.

Picnic on the beach!

No matter what has happened. No matter what might happen. All that matters is my husband and my puppy are with me all the time. In fact I have a puppy draped over my shoulder and chest as I type this. When I look in their eyes I see joy and happiness reflected back at me.

When I look into their eyes I see this pure love - this unconditional love. I had heard rumors of this kind of love. I had seen it in movies. I didn't know I could have that love for myself. I didn't know that I could give that love either.

Esma the Magnificent

This furry little munchkin of a Havanese puppy makes me smile on a daily basis and she cracks me up all the time. Esma reminds me to find the joy in the little things. She reminds me that sometimes you just need to take a break and chase a butterfly. We are so lucky to have her.

My classy husband, Svein Arild.

This man. Wow. He is my angel. He is my rock. He is what keeps me standing when the winds of sadness try to knock me down. He holds me tight when he sees pain in my eyes. He makes me laugh with his ridiculous puns and jokes. He takes me on adventures and introduces me to new places.

Guys, I can't stress enough that I would be nowhere without this man. I don't know what I do without him. I don't think I show him enough what he means to me but I fully intend to right that wrong.

I am so lucky he picked me. I'm so lucky he found me. And, to steal a line from Bridget Jones, I'm so lucky because

he loves me just as I am.

Eg elskar deg kjempemasse, Bamsefar.



So, while I have every intention of continuing to post here, I will make no promises. You see, I have just said yes to another Norwegian today for a rather large project...I'm going to be very busy...

And then....drumroll.....MY PARENTS ARE COMING TO VISIT IN AUGUST!!! So, now that I have all this off my chest I can move on and get ready for their visit and plan all the amazing places I want to share with them of my new country - my home, Norway.